I definitely Healed the Mother in Me. I Love to hear my Sun's tell me how much they love me and how Good they feel that I am their Mommie. I Love hearing them say: I LEARNED it from you Mommie. I love My Oldest saying to me: What you do for me does Not go unnoticed. I love hearing them talk, or do a thing whereby I can see that piece of me in them. ❣️
I love watching these pieces of me on earth being the Best Humans that they can be. No longer ashamed of being a Divorced Single Mom, I totally enjoy watching, hearing and seeing the Greatest Parts of me in my Sun(s). I love that they simply Love Me, and I Love them each individually.
I did not have that as a little girl, growing up. I did not have a person I could call Mother whom I loved and cherished as My Sun(s) do so on, and for me. I didn't have a Mother I could look up to, or whom I wanted to be like. I didn't like her, let alone want to be who she was, and I definitely did not want to be her, like her or even know her (if I am being honest). Many will not get that. They have a perfect friendship, or Mother/Daughter relationship with their biological Birth Mom (or someone they look up to as a Mom). I did not and I do not wish for or desire that thing with anyone today, but as child I did not have that option with was presented in front of me. Those that had a shallow or less than they wished upbringing will be able to relate, the rest, should allow it to fall to the waist side, this is not for you. I was shame that lady was the person I was told was my biological earth mother. I definitely did not want to parent like her. And for as much as I Loved My Aunt, I did Not what yo parent like her either. I loved how my Grand Mother [Inell Demps Perkins] Loved on and cuddled me and I am sure I have based a lot of my parenting skills after her love and care for me.
First, I had to heal. As many of you have or are trying to, from a toxic childhood environment (of humans, places and people alike). I had to heal, grow, learn and let go of the, neglect, abuse, misbehavior, conflict and the debilitating addiction to drama and total family dysfunction. I had to learn to Love the Patricia that God said I was, not the lies that were constantly tossed at me. I had to learn to love me. I had to learn who Patricia was, and to Love this Patricia that I was leaning to be. I had to learn what it meant to have "Worth". I then had to learn to be comfortable in my skin. NO Not my Brown Skin. Simply the Skin I was born in. Me. I had to learn what it meant to be me. Praise God for Mattie "Moo Moo" Blankenship. I Love Most that I loved My Moo Moo sight unseen. I Loved how she loved merely over the phone. A phone conversation that taught me that all I had longed for was real. I was not crazy. Love as I thought, dreamed and had internalized it in my head, was real. Mattie "Moo Moo" Blankenship Adopted me as her own from Day 1 and I have Known Love ever since. I was Loved and Nurtured with a kindness and joy that won't ever go away. It is embedded in me and I have embedded that love into my children as she did into me (as I watched her embed it into all of the grand children. It's that thought and feeling you have that you can't put into words. It's definitely my "Moo Moo". It's definitely because My "Moo Moo" not only loved me, she loved me through it all. She walked me through what it is to love one's self. To have confidence, self worth, and to be secure with you and all of your flaws. I learned watching and listening, I learned to Love myself. My Moo Moo taught me to feel purposed. Her conversations built me up. They strengthened my confidence. She taught me to feel all the things my Grand Mother had poured into me, and took them to the next level. She loved me, and My Children the way I wanted, needed and had desired to be loved my whole life. I learned how to feel love, and not just feel love, but also how to return love in a whole other manner that I had only dreamed of. She taught me to Love others the way I wanted to receive love; so you teach others how to love you, least they fall to the waist side and you continue on living. My "Moo Moo" taught me how you love a child and to be a Mother with grace and solitude. With strength and security. To never try to be a Man, but always a lady with grace (single or married, you're still a Wo-Mom). She gave me what I needed to love me in such a way, that my Children can praise me in a way that never new existed, because I never felt it in the with, or for my biological. I would not be me, or who I am today, had it NOT of been for My "Moo Moo". I could never have known if it were not for her loving and pouring that into me.
I am so Blessed to have heard and answered, when God told me to move. I am Blessed to have my Sister's and Brothers; My Nieces, Nephews and my Great Nieces and Nephews whose Love is unlimited and undeniable and pure. Just wow! Who would have known? Me. I always knew how it should be. l always knew how Love and Family should feel. I always knew how I wanted family and love to be, and look at me... I have Love. Next generation Love times 2. It is not exactly what I expected. Oh NO, it is so much more than I ever knew one person could feel. This is exactly how I always envisioned as a child, how having family was supposed to be. No dysfunction. Family matters, yes, but NO dysfunction. I had this vision in my mind and it was so clear that I knew "it has to be true". It has happen for me. Full circle. My Sun's are adults now and I absolutely love how they praise on me. How my oldest Loves on my in his poetry and his rap music, and how protective my youngest is, always making sure I have what I need and that I am well. I Love how My Sun's both take of their Mommie. I love the person they are, and the Men they are becoming.
I always knew this was how it is supposed to feel. I always knew this was how love was supposed to feel. To be loved, and to bring that to fruition in and through my children is a beautiful feeling. It is an inside felling I am unable to describe. Man! To learn to love of self and to love your children fully and completely. Wow! I Love It. This. My Life (and all of his aches, pains and flaws). I can't explain it, but I can say: I am so proud to be my Sun's Mother. I'm super doped that they look at me and love me in a way I could never love that lady. My Sun's are proud of me. It is in their eye's their tone, they simply love that I am their Mommie. I never had a reason to be proud of anyone, least of all her. I never knew that as a thing, until My Son's said they were proud of me. Oh I'm sure I have shamed them, and driven them a lil cra cra, but whatever I did, they are still proud and love me. I often wish it coudl have been different when I was a child, but then would I be the me I am today? Though I am sure if it were different, more positive, that I would not just be who I am, but I'd of reached this place a lot sooner and I'd be further ahead. BUT, with that being said, I am in the perfect space. I am where I am supposed to be. I owe No One Nothing. I am who God made me to be. I may not have had anyone to look up to look up to but I had dreams. I had a vivid imagination and it has come to pass.
If you know the feeling of being lost and scared, that don't know what to do, what is my purpose feeling, I hope reading this you just learned that it does NOT have to be that way always. You can love you the way you wish to be loved and change your whole life in so many ways. I did it, so can you.
Sometimes I can't believe it, I have to remind me that I did this. I was blessed with the right people in my path, many wrong, but so many more that were right. I am am definitely "Single Mom Proud". It's so extra. So much more than I could see. This is definitely living. To have and feel a thing I never had, but always knew was true. Wow! Love. The love I wanted and longed for as a child, over the age of 50, I definitely have it. I'm blessed to feel, see and have what I feel daily. I Love My Eggs. I Do, I Do, I Do. I am over the Top Blessed that they Love me. Not they love me too, they deliberately and earnestly love me from the inside of their very souls. I am Blessed to have that daily. And I suspect I should Thank My Oldest For New Found Allowance. Thank You Sun. [Cheese]
Not everyone will be able to relate to this. And that is fine. Not everyone can relate to your story either. For those that can, and will be able to..... I Love You. I wish all Good things to and for you as you continue to grow. As you further you, leave pieces of that past behind. It serves NO purpose in your future. Sometimes you have to let go so you live. I let go.
I wish you purpose, love and the joy of this beautiful Life. I wish you and your family well. I Wish You Love. I wish you to Learn to Love you and keep it moving.
Toxicity grows, just don't allow it to grow on you.
~Dr. Patricia D.