I Use To Be Angry
To My Mom's Single, Married Feeling Single, and Just lost wondering "Who Am I". I Love You. And just remember, your Story Is NOT Over Yet. Your Story is always going to be Unique to you, and It is NOT over Yet. <3
I use to worry & and get angry as I taught my Son's how to be Productive Citizens in Society. As I taught my oldest, and teach my younger Son how to Change a Tire. How to Hold doors open and Respect "ALL" Women, even though There Dad Never Respected Me. Not only has he spoken against me, his Ex Wife/Friend, the Woman that Raised his Son...Each Individually Into Hella Fine Professional Young Men, sadly they have allowed people that do not even know me to speak against their mom to them, and in front of them. What is most sad about this sort of action, is that those people do not know you, and somehow you feel some kind of way, bad, or like you need to prove who you are as a mom. Mom’s, your Egg speak on who you are. Good, Bad, Ugly or indifferent, they light Shines on who you, we are as Mom’s. And Mine has shined Both Ways. He still has a gene pool. Sadly my Ex will only learn lurking how his seed is, about his seed, or what is see is doing, by lurking on my oldest FB page, or on mine, and he may even lurk on his Son’s page, never saying “Hello Son, how you doing”. He learned on FB that his 16 year old started college at 14 and yet maintains Straight "A's", in College and in High School while being Fully employed, Owning his own business, and not only being a Team Captain on his football team, but like his Mom is a Proud National Honors Society Member, and also plays Basketball and Run's track. I am so proud of my Egg's, Man. I am a GOAT. And Mom's you should know you are too. Do NOT Take my word for that part, I am Prejudice, Ask any strangers that have met either of Son's (even if only once). Ask anyone in our community, their Coaches, Teachers or any Ref in a game. Ask their Mentor's how much work they put in to be who they are today. I said recently to a friend: I do not want Babe J to work, but I have to let him be him, as I am here to lead and guide him as he walks his path. And she said to me: You act like you do not remember that he is looking at you. “He got his work ethic from watching you all of these years”. I cried. She is right. Although I believe that School is his job and that is enough, he wants to work and have his own. How can I argue with that? And what will I be teaching him to take that eagerness and drive away from him? My job has become to keep him Balanced. Not let him step out of line, even if it means grabbing him to make sure he does fall, or laying under him. I do not give him enough rope to hang himself; I despise that saying as it relates to my Eggs. I am a Woman of Color, I will Not hang or watch my own hang. Only Good Fruit here. I give My Sun what I like to call “Freedom Rope”. I give him the freedom to make Smart, Wise and Calculated Good Decisions, as I hold on to the rope for support; keeping him fully Grounded!!! I'd Never allow him to hang himself. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I am their Mother and I did it single handedly. NO MAN THAT BORE A SEED IN ME Can Claim anything past that he had Sex with me. He may have formed a child, but Patricia Raised them. I often hear, “if he Loved me, he have would Love His Seed”. Well, I do not believe he had to love me to contributed to the Life, Growth, Education and Future of his First Born Son; his born Seed. NOT a ONE Has. NOT A ONE! AS I hear now the Bragging About What My Son(s) is/are doing. Yes, that use to make me Angry. BUT I grew up and I hope to educate you Ladies. Let them brag Ladies. Let them give our Eggs that Exposure they need to continue to succeed. ...That is a Light on us for how Well we Raised his Seed. That is our light now matter what or who says or thinks. Self Love. Love you enough to Love the Light that Shines on your Egg. If he is Proud of his Seed, He is Proud of all of the Good Work we have done and put in. Do NOT be Angry..." but his Sorry Azz"..... Yea, that is true, but that is energy away from the Biggest Gift Each of Us Womb-Men have given Birth to, adopted, or maternally nurtured.... These children. My Sun’s. When we speak against that Man, we also speak against a Seed that is in our children. As they do when they speak against us. That seed yet grows in our Egg’s whether that man is around or NOT. I have been lied on, lied to and lied about and look at me. I am still living and for as crazy and hostile and Bad of a mother these Men/their families and friends have said of me to be, look at my Egg's, of Single Mom Parenting. Wow! Genes of each of us, the apples do not fall from the Tree, and when you do not recognize you , or your behavior, you can believe that is the seed of the tree in them genes. Queens, as Single Moms, even with a Man sometimes, Our Eggs Reach a certain Teen Status where they are their own, we simply have to know that we have grounded them. I know that I have grounded my Eggs. I sacrificed me to ensure they they had what I did not. That they knew, could feel, and could say: They came from, they had, they are Structured, Safe, Secure and Never seen a revolving Door of men. That was me, and how I wanted to my legacy as a Mother to be. These Eggs much negative talk of their Single Mom parent, seem to be just fine. Do Not fall victim to being angry. I use to be and I promise, that only takes away from you. I am saying to You Do Not take away from Pure Joy you have in your Eggs. I am saying to you: Your Greatest Joy, the Truth and Fact is that you gave birth, and you continued to love, raise and take care of your Egg the best way you knew how. You Did that. And if no one else has said it, I am Proud of you Queen. I am Proud of you. Shout out the Step Mom's that hold it down for Egg's that they did not give Birth to. The Real Mom’s. The Step Mom who holds it down and would take a bullet for that child like she gave Birth. Shout out to you Queen. I know it's hard, especially if you have never given Womb Birth to your own, but look at God, your Blessed by someone else's fail to have and to be able to love those Egg's that you are fertilizing your Love into. God Still seen fit to make you a Mother. The law of the land, our ancestors “Applaud” You and I Love You Sister Queen. I live to know that His Dad Coaches Football, but He cannot Claim to have coached or taught him even one thing. Can brag his seed is in the newspaper, or played at the Dallas cowboys Stadium, but cannot say what size his helmet, cleats, or clothes are, or even what his son’s favorite Sammich is. He can say his family has come to see his son play, even if he has not, but his son does not know them, they may have come, but not a one even said: Hi to him. He knows them not. Queens, that is not your fault. Do not take blame for actions of others, as you’re a Great and Grand Mother, raising your Egg’s. Keep Focus on the Positive and I Promise you, no matter what, you can always be Proud of you. NO matter what My Children Do I Life, going forward, I was Proud the day they were born and I am still here. Yes! I know just like in my situation, May cannot even say that the Child's father has even broken Bread with his Son as a young man. He cannot, and I do not beat him up for it, I Thank God for removing such a person form our lives, for knowing what I did not of such a weak spirit; so that My Sun does NOT have that as a Spirit around him or to look up to, remembering he has his gene’s. I Thank God for sending what, and who My Egg needs to build him up when he needs it and for all of the Spiritual Mom's and Dad's that have stepped in to help me "A Single Mom", raise and love on my Sun (Son's). I use to get angry thinking that although he has Never done anything worth mentioning for his Seed, if he dies tomorrow, he probable has Not set up a Trust fund, or Insurance Policy for this seed to in the least help to support him in his death. And thought that is NOT fine with me, I thank God for the Blessing Our Child Will come into that Shall be Greater for his Dad having Abandoned him. I am honored to know that My Son is and Will continue to be Blessed. I am honored that he has been given the Gift of a Goon Dad. That our Football program under the direction of: Coach Randy Jackson, has implemented a program that is working for my Egg. A Football Dad program. [Goon Dad’s] Each player has a Goon Dad. A Player’s very own Dad, may be one of his team mates, Good Dad, and My Son has the Best Goon Dad Every. [Thank you Mr. Tony Cash]
Queens, Pick yourselves up with the most Positive Self Affirmations, Love and Joy you can give to you. If you have to cry doing it, just do it. Learn to Love You. Support you, and Take care of you, so that you can be the Best you, You can be for not only you, but for your Egg and his Seed. You cannot make that person be who you dreamed they would be, knowing they are not. Potential is not who that person is as an adult, it is who you wish for them to be in at a future date. Thank God for who your Egg is and Pour Love, Motivation and Life into his eternal Soul. Break The Cycle s/he is going through. Feel life into our Egg’s future so that they do NOT repeat this history.
Was it easy for me to get here? No. Was it easy loving my Children past the hurt of NOT having real, genuine Help from their families or mine.... Yes. I trusted that if they were not involved, that was the best thing for us. I believed that if God moved me away from my family and put me in the trenches alone, he would also send help. And he did. I use to pray for any man that came to help my Egg’s, to not have a lust or interest in me. Why such a prayer? Because when you get involved with that destiny and throw it off, you hurt and hinder that child’s destiny also. You never have to beg for love, help or for the right thing to be done in the right moment in time. If your obedient and allow what is already destined to take place and happen, it shall. That does NOT mean we always like it, but when you have a calling on your life, you know it. You just do. It is always going to be there for you. Just be true to you and let flow.
Some people love from a far. I love some from a far too. For the most part raising my youngest has been Easy. Why? Because I learned with my oldest; I learned to make it positive and the whole negative turns to gold, Platinum if you can really be still. I knew early on that I was going to be single when my Ex Husband walked out that door, stealing my keys and taking the car, emptying our bank account and leaving My Oldest son at the baby sitters unknowingly to me. Please do not call me a liar, I have receipts. My Divorce Decree Orders him to return the car. He never did, but has pics that he shown to his son of him with other ladies flossing in my care, while I was bumming rides to get to school and trying to make ends meet. You see the well put together package and think it has always been Nice. It was Not nice when I had NO insurance and a bum beat that would not help to insure his child, Thank you to the Doctor that was an angel and paid all of my Son's bills as he was a Severe Asthmatic, and we did not even qualify for Medicaid because a Nice car dealer had gifted me a car. [That Doctor now runs a hospital Alabama, and that Car Dealer now owns several care lots now.]
Mothers, You are NOT alone. Though each of our paths may differ, if one of us made it, we all can. I wish someone had shared this with me. Shame and embarrassment stop us from talking and sharing. It use to stop me too. Thank God I found my voice, and helping others has over shadowed my Pain, Shame and Embarrassment. No one shared their “Made It” story, with me, but many Angles helped me along the way (to many to name), but be sure that if you ever helped me, I did not forget you. I use to get angry as a Single, Married Lady, having made a Babe with a poor choice of a Husband. That was my mad, no fault, just a young gurl wanting to be grown, I made bad choices. I use to get angry that he was NOT here. But then I learned and taught My Son's When God moves a person, place or thing, you let it go, if it is for you, then that thing will come back again, not you choosing it, it will choose you. In the meanwhile, you let it go so you can grow. God, the ancestors choosing for me has been the best thing that has happen to me. I let him go, and it hurt like kid with no milk. BUT, I heard the God in me, saying I'd be strong later for it. My will to be Obedient to the she whom lives in me is stronger than my desire or want of a boy toy. Look at me now. Listening and hearing my Spirit was the best thing that has even happen to me. It is a lifestyle. I completed our Dream, and I am me. But Queen's, I had to let Go and Allow God to lead and Guide my Path as if I was a Child. Though I was a Mom with 2 children, I had to humble me as if I were a child myself and help in the form of strangers (angels) came unto me. I nursed both of my son’s, but I there came a time when I nursed my oldest son because I was poor; I did not have any money to money to buy milk, and as God would have it, as it turned out, I had to keep nursing because he was allergic to milk. Yes! Look at God. Now I have two Academically Strong Young men. Smart, Wise and Intelligent. My Egg's were Gifts to me, even if Not to the man that planted the seed. I had to let go of the ideology of the American Dream, and put my Faith in the fact that there is “Patricia’s Destiny”, that has Nothing to do with America. I had to remember I am in this world, but NOT of it. And if I wanted my Eggs to be successful, all I needed was right in front of me. I had to believe The FACT that God would send what I needed when I needed and I trust it as I heard it, and felt it in me. That it would always come in the form of a stranger. And it did. He has and continues to. Yes! DNA Family was Never Loyal to me. Not that they never helped, they helped a time or two. The Problem was they were Never Loyal. Never Respectful, and their Love came with Conditions and Toxicity. Conversations with them always ended with me being Crazy, "She is Crazy", or some other derogatory hit or slug to me, my person, me as a Mom, Sister or Daughter. So I had to hear God and Let Go as he continued to build me. Best thing I ever did, let die what was dead and keep living believing in me. God on my side, My Ancestors leading and guiding me, I had to let People places and things go. The Toxins were a distraction from my Destiny. I have since let go of those that eat at the table with My Enemies. “More Happiness and Love in me for me and to be able to be free to write this letter to you”.
I use to be Angry. Ladies, if you focus on you and those babies and listen to that small still voice inside of you, you will make it. What do you have to lose by trying this, when you are already losing? You do not have to believe in God or be a christian giving your money to people or strangers for the universe, angels and God to bless you. When she puts something on your heart, but true to it and make that thing come to pass. Act out of Obedience and you will Never go wrong. Though it is easier for most/many to hold on to a supreme being for hope, that is your choice also. What is yours will be your regardless to what you hold on to, or not. Be True to you and hold on to what you must to be your most positive you. If you’re going to Believe in something or someone, try believing whole heatedly in YOU.
I use to get Angry. My Dad had Told me to Be Still and just wait. I rushed into a Marriage NOT ordained by God but driven by Lust and No Thought's Given, still in Love with another Man, "Baggage". Although I had been Groomed for Perfection and to wait for God to send a King so that I could be a Great Help Mate [a team] to a person I was Called to share a life and Excellence with. Yet I acted out of human want, need, desire and “I know what I am doing”. If I just described you, how is that working for you? It took me a long time not to be angry that I had NO help in Raising Young men. I was angry at the world, though the world did not know me, and did not care. Heck the world does not know me and does not care. It was Never the Worlds fault for my Ignorance. I am teaching you ladies/young men something, if you dare to listen in your spirit. And I hope you'll support me and purchase my book; 2 copies (one for a friend), but more over I hope I help you, and a friend.
I could have written this and sold it as a book, but I am giving it to you of my Spirit Freely. Errors and all, because to proof read it, I may delete it. I am giving to you as a servitude from me.
I use to be angry as I taught a boy to be a Good and Strong Man. And though many said “you cannot teach a boy to be a man”, sadly nether can many males, when they themselves have not recognized the God in them. Men have been Raised by Strong Women though out the Life Of Time. You came from a woman how is it that you do NOT believe a Woman has anything to teach and/or offer a Man in his growth? Not just Black, though we feel it the most [The most unloved, and unprotected human specimen of all mankind; The Black Woman. “The Queen”. Dogs and Cats are protected more than the Black Woman.
I use to be angry as I tried to teach my son how to change a tire, hired someone to teach him how to drive in the dark and around the overpasses and bridges. I use to be angry as I taught my son to learn to feel when the tires need air in them, when the car is off balance, need to be rotated or aligned. I use to be angry as I taught my Son to know that smell in the air, as he starts his care up, when the air ducts are dirty (also in his home), "Son that means you need a new filter and probably and oil change”. I constantly hear that that is a (or was supposed to be) a Man's job. His Fathers Job, but If God has seen fit for me to know how to do these things, why is it Not my Job, Responsibility or why can't I just want to use this as a bonding moment for my Strengthening of Love and Life with my children. Why does Society say I need to be or have to be Married if it was Not how God ordained me to be in this time and place. Since when did how or what others say start to over ride what you know, feel and in your spirit is so?
I was NOT ready in My Spirit. I allowed God to lead, cover and protect me, not man. And I am here. Proud Mother of Two, Still Single, I am here. And in hind Sight I know I was Not Ready and I am so happy that I did not allow a Man to lead or guide me. That Man did not cross my path, and I had to learn that if I cannot see God in him, If he does not have the strength or confidence that makes me want to respect and honor him, that he is not the King God has sent to me. Man gets to chose, it is on me to accept or not to accept what I feel in my being. I am sure I would not be here with the wrong person/people leading me. Obedience has been my key.
I love, and I am in Love with Love. I LOVE with the Idea of Being in Love and Total commitment to a Best Friend and all that entails. I do not believe Love is a Reason "Alone" to marry. And if one is NOT whole or does not Love One's self, One yet will be unhappy, even in Marriage. I was NOT Happy. I had my own issues, "Baggage" If you will, so no relationship would have worked. And I saved myself (and a few others) by staying single, and creating a Happy, Loving, Stable, Secure, and Safe Home for my Son's. That came from the Obedience in me. I cannot control who they become as Adults, I will know I gave them the Best and all of Me. I did right to listen to and allow the Spirit in me to lead and guide my way. I am me, and who I am now because I was obedient and allowed my Spirit to guide me. I am Happy.
I use to be angry, and rightfully so, but most of all I was angry at the right person, me. And it has helped me not to be bitter, not to place blame, or have fault or beat up another person verbally. It has made me accountable and responsible for me, which I have passed on to my son’s. It allowed for my son’s to grow up in a loving and sheltered save, and secure environment. If one of them blames another for self actions, it will be from gene pool, they did NOT learn that at home with me. Always be conscious, that no matter what or how you do what you do, they are chromosomes of each of you. Our Eggs are both the negative and the positive of each of us, and it all works together to make this Loving Human being. I am not condoning the Dead Beats actions, or their families, but I believe I have broken a pathology, by raising my own Children, and in a Non bitter environment or toxic environment, with a freedom to be “One’s Own Self” and a Love for all Mankind. This is what they have been taught, it is on them to be whom they are called to be. That is a choice they have, and I do not have to like or agree with their choices, I also do not have to say that out loud, as I silently smile and allow them to be their own self and as they continue to grow in the "God" They are called to be. They must have, live and be their own person with their own experiences. And again, I do not have to like it or condone it, and my choice of handling those things is with silence. As adults, it is NOT my place to but in, unless they ask me. I may voice my opinion. Right or wrong is not a matter for me as they become adults. It is a how it makes you feel. Is it legal, and are you healthy with your decision inside? If you’re not convicted, do not make up a reason to be or allow someone else to make you feel guilty for the best you that you can be. Just be You. If you do not know who you are, if your lost, or simply do not even know where to start, ..... ask yourself: who do I want to be? What characteristics to I wish to have, display and what will make feel good about me? How do I wish to look, dress, talk, be seen, respected, and any other questions you have for you inside of you. And let Your Spirit Guide you to being the Best You that you can and will ever be. Be the best You that you can be. And know that you’re entitled to change your mind and start all over again. So What, Just be a Great You.
You are the only You that God made. If you’re a Twin, Triplet, or Quad, you’re individually, ONLY YOU.
Having raised to Fine Young Prince as a Single Mother, whom Have more Accolades "Individually" than Most can even understand. I want you to be happy and have pure Joy too as a mother too.
Be Strong. Use Daily Affirmations and know that falling happens. Sometimes it is Trial and Error. It happens to us all. I still fail sometimes. So What; I try again, re direct or simply get still....Still to see how and what I may be doing wrong. What changes I need to make, or it the season for that thing as even passed. I allow the ancestors to come in and lead and guide me into the path that is here for me, so I do NOT have to repeat a wrong a thousand times over. I want to get it right the first time, simply being me.
Some of us make it harder than it has to be. The narrow road can sometimes feel to easy. We are told if it seems to easy then it probably is, only who said that? Who told you that? I have learned that the narrow road is just right for me and I Love Just being me.
I hope you Learn to Love you, and feel "Just being me", is okay.
Just being me. The Best Me Daily that I can be. <3 <3 <3
(allowing bad days, and not getting upset, just allowing them and when you feel better, picking up from where you left off and continuing to be to be your best “me”.)
You are perfect. In all of these Flaws, I am Perfect, and you are too. <3 ~P
Today just "P". Just a girlfriend vibe and a talk with friends. Just "P".